Life's Just Yah

I really hope there are certain people not reading this. I don't know why I am so paranoid. But, blahh. I feel so blahh. I should feel extremely happy... but I am so not. I guess I just feel empty. Feeling love for someone, laying your whole life in their hands and then them ripping your heart in half is really not fun. =P I feel hopeless. That I won't find love. I feel like I am too future oriented- I'll only date and have feelings for someone if I could picture myself being with for the rest of my life, which would only end up in heartbreak. Or I'll be too scared to have feelings for anyone at all. Ugh, it's just this constant paranoia in my head of being left and leaving all the time. I can't handle it! I know I needed to end things with that guy, and I am glad things did end. It just hurts, feeling like you have no one there for you. Knowing that people don't like you thanks to lies, or fights or rumors. I don't know how to fix this feeling I have either. I need to.

I am learning saxophone. Maybe that will get my mind off of things for a while. It is the perfect time. I hope my mom understands that all this squeaking and squawking is only to fill this empty void. I think that the majority of my texts are from my dad trying to reach my mom. Which, for a fifteen year old, is very lonesome.

Rachel is here this weekend while her parents are in Boston. And Mom is sick, so it is a little slow around here. I need to do something right now. I have been writing everywhere trying to just fix whatever my problem is. Lis was right when she told me that "thinking is dangerous". I need to stop doing that.

I told Rachel that I hate feeling depressed. And she has been such a good friend, listening to me groan on and on about how blah I feel. I need to do something for her to thank her. I couldn't ask for a better friend. I feel bad that she hears me complain. I have no one else to complain to, unless I started talking to myself, but I think she'd think I was a little weird then ;)

I know things will get better. Life is just yah, so many good things are happening, I just need to stop feeling this pang of hopelessness. Or as Anne Shirley would put it, "The depths of despair". Ha, I'll get there. Ranting seems to help a lot.